If today is your birthday:
Your Mars is showing. You should really get that looked at.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 20)
Behind every success is a hall of mirrors in which you grow increasingly distorted with every mirror until you simply cease to exist and your victories mean nothing at all. So, floss and stuff, y’know.
Taurus (Apr. 21-May 21)
This is not the time to give up. Get a glass of almond/soy/cow/coconut/blood milk and keep going.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
If you can have a conversation with someone entirely in memes, you need to put a ring on it or run for the hills. There is no in-between here. *becomes a Muppet and sips tea*
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
You’re still grappling with some sort of ugly betrayal but it’s time to take the knife out of your back and put it to better use. Like menacingly sharpening it or going to the ER ’cause ouch..
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)
Age is but a number. Learn from the innocent joy of children, the endearing angst of teens and the unfathomable horror of timeless cosmic entities.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
It’s time to take the plunge. The water is cold and dark, you don’t swim very well and there’s all sorts of beasties waiting for you in the depths. But, something, risks and rewards, something..
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
It’s time to break free from your cocoon of shyness as the creepy and hairy social moth you were always meant to be.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Your serpentry may be your downfall. Redirect the time you spend gossipping to focus on important things like your relationships and not shedding your skin near the Timmies again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
Need a good laugh or ugly cry? Zoom in super close to any photo, bonus points if it’s fuzzy to begin with. Your friend falling off a couch? Z O O M.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
Sadly, blowing kisses to the FBI agent watching through your webcam is not “having an okay love life”.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19
You can’t control everything in your life but gosh, are you even trying?.
Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
The stars are screaming. Yes, at you specifically, like you always thought.