Horrible Horoscopes: What happened to Shia LaBeouf?

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 20)
Your instincts are good. Or bad. Keep that in mind.

Taurus (Apr. 21-May 21)
When’s the last time you went outside and really took in some nature? Get some sunshine on your cave-dweller face, wade into a half-frozen lake. Get green!!

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Listen, it’s obvious that you don’t like your friends. Just go on one last bank-busting vacation with them and shut it down.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
This is a great time to put on your softest pair of pants and go to the Mandarin buffet.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)
Not sure what direction your life is headed in? Throw the wrapper from your third Filet-o-Fish sandwich (yeah, we know) into the nearest fire and seek your answers in the ashes.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Whatever happened to superstar cannibal Shia LaBeouf? Yeah, I’d sleep with one eye open.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
Pay attention to the signs around you. “Stop.” “Yield to pedestrians.” “Time isn’t real and you should stop worrying about it running out as fast as it is.”

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Love is in the air! Or is that the smell of projecting onto the nearest semi-groomed friendly person? Good luck figuring that out.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
You need to focus more on yourself. I mean, there is just so much to work on here…

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
Time management is a lot like swimming in a public pool. You struggle to keep your head above water, your eyes sting like hell and there’s a little pee in here, isn’t there?

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19
For some strange reason, people will look to you for advice and leadership in the days to come. Let them down spectacularly so at least it’ll all be very memorable. And change your name after.

Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
Your emoji game is sad, weak and more than a little confusing. Or you’re on some next level of satirical and absurd emotional icon relaying. If so, who we are to question your genius?

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Horrible Horoscopes: What happened to Shia LaBeouf?