Horrible Horoscopes: SEE A DOCTOR

If today is your birthday:
Today is the first day of the rest of your sex life. I’m so, so sorry.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 20)
Ooo, a mysterious stranger is in the cards, Aries. Time to freshen up your looks, sexy one-liners and knives.

Taurus (Apr. 21-May 21)
Remember that “crush” can be a painful and irreversible noun and verb.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Romance is not dead. It’s actually quite undead. Yes, that hottie is a zombie and you smell delicious.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
We get it, you’ve been hurt and it’s hard to open up again. You’re keeping your cards close to the chest and someone in the dark. But it’s time to let them out, they’re pretty scared now.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)
Weak in the knees? Heart beating too fast? Stomach aflutter? SEE A DOCTOR.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Communication is key in any relationship. Make some time to have an honest conversation with your partner, friend-with-benefits or dominant hand.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
Your love life is a little stale and you should try spicing things up. We recommend more lube, more rope and less ugly crying.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
You’ve been told you’re a heart stopper but that you can be a little suffocating. See, the thing is, “surprising” those around you with plastic bags over the head is not charming as you seem to think it is.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
Face it, you’re a little old-fashioned about the whole dating thing. Tinder or online dating sites? Nah. Blind dates? Pfft. Sending painstakingly cryptic letters to random people you see on the subway? It’s time to stop.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
If you’re feeling blocked in your romantic pursuits, consider that you’re getting in your own way. Yes, you have a doppelganger and they are -insert appropriate genitals here-blocking you.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Tired of romantic cliches? Make this Valentine’s Day a special one and ditch the chocolate and flowers for long voicemails of heavy breathing or Mongolian throat singing.

Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
You’re looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe it’s because you’re fighting intimacy and everything that means. Or you’re looking in that creepy well again for hot clowns or whatever the kids are into these days.


Horrible Horoscopes: SEE A DOCTOR