Horrible Horoscopes: January 2018

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 20)
Whether it’s a major purchase or finally starting your peanut-butter bubble gum business, trust yourself to mostly not break the bank—or the law.

Taurus (Apr. 21-May 21)
Beware of weaknesses such as low-fi GIFs no one understands and the need to sleep.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Life is too short for putting up with bad vibes or shoes. Be open to new friends and better footwear.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
Keep an eye on the skies. Snow, birds or crushed dreams may be making themselves known on your head sooner than you think.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)
This is the year to overcome your allergies to committment and strange seasonal fruits. Best of luck.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
Saturn is not happy with you. No one is, really.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
Remember that friend whose texts you never responded to? No? Well, they remember you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Of all your overly optimistic resolutions, drinking more water is probably the only one you’re going to follow through on. Especially if you stretch the definition of “water” to anything liquid.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
Expect several mediocre conversations in the days to come that will seem disturbing in retrospect.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
It’s time to take the leap and employ one of the many comebacks you’ve come up with in the shower against your foes.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19
New year, new you. Unrecognizable you. Take advantage of this permanent and possibly terrifying change.

Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
The stars have aligned to spell out some rude words directed at you. Now, we can’t possibly publish them in this family-friendly newspaper. But trust us: super rude.

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Horrible Horoscopes: January 2018