Marvin Malaise
Misery Reporter
PHOTO: FLICKR USER A DAWN CC BY 2.0
George Brown College student Craig Lin, 23, spent last Wednesday evening fretting over the prospect of making his way downtown for class from Etobicoke without his car.
“I’d taken it into the mechanic after an engine failure and had been informed that they’d need a couple of days to fix it up,” said Lin. “I knew I was going to have to take the TTC, and after everything I’ve heard about it, I was terrified.”
But his fears were to be allayed the next morning as he enjoyed a pleasant trip unimpeded by filth, incompetence, or profound frustration.
Lin claimed that he failed to experience any kind of futile, endurance-testing wait at a urine-scented transit shelter.
“I don’t know what people are always complaining about,” said Lin. “The streetcar arrived right on time. I only had to wait a few minutes, which I spent comfortably seated in the clean, well-maintained shelter.” Lin also noted that at no point did the streetcar careen past him without no apparent reason for leaving him behind in the frigid cold.
When he reached the subway, Lin reported renewed feelings of dread. “I’d heard some horror stories about the subway at rush hour, but was pleased to find that the trip underground wasn’t the descent into hell that I had always heard about.”
“When I went to enter the car, it was a tight fit. But it wasn’t the roasting capsule of body odour, exasperated groans, and despair that I’d been led to believe it was,” recalled Lin.
“Upon exit, I was able to easily disembark while passengers waiting on the platform stood aside courteously and waited for me to pass before entering,” said a surprised Lin.
According to Lin, the passengers certainly didn’t squeeze themselves into the sweaty car immediately as the doors opened with bovine expressions on their stubborn faces, pushing past him and other trapped passengers trying to escape the sweltering nightmare that the TTC foolishly claims ‘[values] both the quality and quantity of time our customers spend with us.’
“I had also heard that it was common for passengers to use coveted seat space to store their backpacks or coffee. I was furious at the very thought that someone might consider their double macchiato special enough to deserve its own seating, but the issue never came up,” said a relieved Lin.
Lin did have a scare when he noticed what he thought was a woman stretched out across two seats. But it turned out she was just propping herself up temporarily to tie her shoe, not to recline luxuriously across limited seating to enhance her own comfort while forcing others to stand.
“I’ll certainly be taking public transit more often,” said Lin.
“Why take the car when I can enjoy the privilege of a peaceful, efficient trip for such a reasonable price? Nothing could be further from a nightmarish, hallucinatory struggle through a fucking hellscape than a trip courtesy of the TTC. It really is a better way to travel.”
Editor’s Note: The Monologue is the satire issue of The Dialog. All content in this issue is intended as satire or humorous commentary and makes no claim to be accurate, factual, or truthful. Please don’t sue us.
