Your selfie can’t possibly top the one Astronaut Mike Hopkins took while on a
spacewalk outside the International Space Station on Dec. 24, 2013. Photo: NASA

If you are reading this but are skeptical of my credibility on new-year resolutions, let me tell you, I have 11 years of experience in resolutions. I have seen my resolutions fail year after year. But it hasn’t stopped me from making new ones!

I am capable enough to tell you what to do this year because I have seen it all in my life.

First things first, don’t expect too much of yourself. You will end up being completely thwarted because whatever your resolution is, you just can’t achieve it.

Instead of the regular ‘quit smoking’ ‘lose weight’ and start ‘working out’ resolutions, which you can never-ever complete, focus on the small-scale viable options instead. Like what? Let me tell you.

Wash your hands after using the loo. I know you don’t do that sometimes, don’t be shy just admit it. For all I know, this one might go unachievable as well.

Stop farting in crowded public transit or elevators. That’s insane. Terrible. Find a park or whatever.

We have had enough of your selfies on Facebook and Instagram. Please, please stop it. We know you have an excellent pout, a toned body and a dirty toilet in your bathroom!

Same goes with photos of what you are eating, your English breakfast – which you believe is fancy, blueberry cream tarts, or a chicken noodle soup. We are not interested. Go out and have dinner with someone instead. Let them eat what you want the world to just see.

Food reminds me of one of the most popular new-year resolutions, lose weight. I can give you a tip on how you can actually achieve it, that too without exercising or dieting. Here we go: buy a health and fitness book and a weight loss diet book. Lie down on your bean bag, read the book while having a box of french-fries from Pizza Pizza. Give it a shot, it works.

For all those unemployed people looking for job, this new-year is an excellent opportunity to stop looking for one. There are a lot of other alternatives which can make you rich. Buy a lottery ticket and wait until you win. There is higher probability of you winning a lottery earlier than getting a job in Canada.

Last one, this one might be helpful. God forbid, if ever you have to call 911 for medical emergency, and they ask you this ridiculously stupid question, “On a scale of 1-10, what is your level of pain?” say 10. It might save your life

Well, that’s it. Now don’t waste your time on the internet. Go out and play.

Wait, happy New Year’s! Now go.