If today is your birthday:
You will receive the completely unsurprising gifts of existential dread and BEES. Congratulations.
ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Pandas spend so much time consuming bamboo that they socialize at a minimal level. Recognize the bamboo in your life — and continue doing what you were doing anyway because other people suck for the most part.
TAURUS (April 21-May 21)
The word muscle comes from the Latin for “little mouse.” And you need to either step things up at the gym or finally accept that you are many mice in a trenchcoat.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
We fear what we don’t understand like mortgages or geese. You need to work on your financial literacy and figure out how banks work. But steering clear of a bird with teeth on their tongues is just good sense.
CANCER (June 22-July 23)
Mistaking a wasp for a bee is very much like mistaking a red flag in your relationship as a pink one. You’re shortly in a world for pain and your colour sense is awful.
LEO (July 24-Aug. 23)
It’s time to pretend to forgive and forget and move on. Just don’t forget where you buried the hatchet.
VIRGO (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)
You need a creative outlet but are you going to settle for boring concepts like “traditional” and “minimal bodily harm involved?” Try taking up the electric harp, candle making or sustained screaming.
LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
This is a great time to be bold and take a risk. Instead of travelling to your usual vacation spot, spend thousands on a green screen and feel your self-esteem grow along with your IG likes.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
Like the grooves of your palm or lighting, truth is too often found in nature’s squiggles. They speak to a reality that is random, mysterious and more than a little terrifying, like most hair transplants.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
In this touch-starved age, be the first to give yourself a hug. Trust us, your skeleton is hugging you back.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
Tired of looking for happiness in all the wrong places? Clearly you’re not looking hard enough in the right places. Like under the bed or in that coffin that materialized in your room three days ago.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)
You’re keeping a secret and it’s driving away those closest to you. It’s a valise of bees and your friends just don’t understand the potential joys of apiculture.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
Thoughts for today: When’s the last time you had a meaningful conversation in person? Who is the designated driver of your spiritual self? And does anyone actually like fruitcake?