Ace your exams: six tips guaranteed to boost your grades

Pee Pee S.
Who needs a reason to booze

PHOTO: FLICKR USER CLEMSONUNIVLIBRARY CC BY-NC 2.0

PHOTO: FLICKR USER CLEMSONUNIVLIBRARY CC BY-NC 2.0

Exams! You are fucked.

Well, not really. After intensive research and consultation from various experts,The Monologue has put together a series of things you can do in order to completely ace your exams.

1. Booze – Get your tankers full one day before the exam. Alcohol such as beer helps you pee a lot which removes toxins from your body. Toxins are very harmful for the brain and impede its ability to function properly. Drink up to grasp everything while cramming before the exam. So load your refrigerator with beers and hit the washroom often to better your grade.

2. Don’t sleep before the exam, but during it – Getting a good night’s sleep before the exam is a myth. Scientists have been testing a new formula to score better marks during exams, and have been successful with it. According to this formula you should sleep during the exam for a while after reading the question paper.  It helps you dream about all the answers you don’t know.  Note, with all that booze in your body, make sure you don’t sleep off the whole exam. Put an alarm or ask your prof to wake you up in half an hour.

3. Eat a lot of fried and junk food – Having fruits, veggies, juices etc. before the exam will stress you out. Instead, eat a lot of junk food like French fries, fried noodles with extra oil, and burgers which satisfy your taste buds. Any satisfaction works well before exams.

4. Review – Whatever you do, please don’t review the content you have already gone through. Read the study material only once. Reviews will only confuse you and you might get a panic attack when you go through it again and don’t remember shit. It is definitely a bad idea.

5. Keep it pending – Keep all assignments, presentations, case studies, and projects pending until the last moment. Finish everything at once when the final exam approaches. It helps to manage time more efficiently and effectively. You don’t have to spend a whole semester on what can be done in two days.

6. Cheat – If you don’t know an answer, cheat. Cheating is against the rules, but remember: the process does not matter, results do. Due to the confidentiality of the issue, more information on how to cheat will be provided to students on personal basis. Drop into our office or contact The Monologue for more details.

Out of 100 students tested with the list mentioned above, 99 of them showed better results. One of them failed because he refused to booze.

 

Editor’s Note: The Monologue is the satire issue of The Dialog. All content in this issue is intended as satire or humorous commentary and makes no claim to be accurate, factual, or truthful. Please don’t sue us.

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Ace your exams: six tips guaranteed to boost your grades