Ménage à Trois “But I Really Wanna Hit It Girl… No Means NO”

By Alisha Riley, Courtney Niven & Mary-Grace Falvo
Dialog Sex Columnists

 

Alisha: Consent – the bare minimum for engaging in any sexual activity. However, everyone should aim for enthusiastic consent! Consent can be given verbally or through body language. Unclear? Stop and check in with your partner to ensure you have enthusiastic consent. Ensure consent is not given through coercion, that is not consent; that is rape.

As a single woman with multiple sexual partners, giving consent to any sexual activities is first and foremost. And let me be clear, consent is not shoving my head towards your dick! Consent is a process; you must establish consent with each new activity. I also negotiate the use of a condom in my process (or barriers, depending on what sexual activity I am engaged in). Should my partner or myself not have a condom (or barrier) I will retract my consent. Engaging in unprotected sex cannot only put my health at risk but also my uterus at risk of harbouring a fetus.

 

Courtney: Consent has been a topic that I have recently grappled with. I have come to learn the importance of communication and the power of exercising an assertive, empowered position when it comes to sex. There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it. This ideology embodied is rather challenging and not always realistic, but it begins with education. When I became aware of my beautiful body, how each piece works, arouses, and stimulates, I came to understand what I wanted. I became comfortable in my skin and I became empowered. I believe that self-esteem and self worth allows space for a woman to be assertive – to establish boundaries and expectations. It allowed me to say no and mean it – it allowed me to know if I wanted someone to touch me, and if so, where! Consent is soberly saying “yes, I want to engage in sexual activity with you” – not passed out, not drunk or high mumbling “ya”, not scared to say no so remaining silent…consent is a woman cognitively, consciously choosing that she wants to have sex with someone.

 

Mary-Grace: So where was consent education during sex-ed when I was in school? Somewhere buried beneath less-than-helpful and frankly victim-blaming messages like, “don’t let anyone take advantage of you” which put the onus on me to speak up with a resounding no opposed to also placing responsibility on partners to ask if what’s going down is okay with me. And let’s be honest; speaking up when you feel uncomfortable is way harder to do than the checking-in part. Add on the over-whelming socialization of girls to be nice and accommodating; Bam – it took me years to tell my hairdresser what I did and didn’t like, let alone being in a sexual encounter. So instead of teaching girls it’s solely their responsibility to stop and prevent sexual activity they do not want, let’s start teaching boys about their responsibility to ask for consent, receive it enthusiastically and continue checking-in before any new activity. I’m using gendered language on purpose because sexual violence happens overwhelming to girls and women by boys and men. Totally true fact.

 

Our new feminist crush Zerlina Maxwell threw it down brilliantly on The Sean Hannity Show, followed up with, “5 Ways We Can Teach Men Not to Rape” on Ebony. Number 1;“Teach young men about legal consent”. Holla.

Remember; email us your questions and comments at: dialogsex@gmail.com

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Ménage à Trois “But I Really Wanna Hit It Girl… No Means NO”